Struggles

Two things I am struggling with lately...

1. Complete and utter exhaustion. I am talking about the kind of exhaustion that is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I know tired. Tired is a part of my life. I work full time, have 3 young kids and a crazy schedule. Tired is part of it. I am not tired. I am not sleepy. I am the kind of exhausted that makes you sick to your stomach. The kind that makes your limbs feel too heavy to move or your head feel like it weighs 50 pounds. This exhaustion has led into major mommy guilt. Now I am guilty of having this mommy guilt way before I got sick. I put too much pressure on myself to be the perfect mom, and I never reach that goal. But this guilt is different. I feel like I have a certain amount of energy to use throughout the day. I end up spending it on everyone else's kids instead of my own. I feel bad that I come home so exhausted that I can't function. This is not the kind of mom I want my kids to remember. This is also something hard for my younger ones to understand which makes it harder.

2. The word "can't." I hate this word. This word has never been allowed in my classroom, my gym, my home, or in any huddle. This word is weak and debilitating. I despise this word. However, this word keeps popping up in my every day life activities and I feel like it is eating at my core. I have never been the type to think I can't do anything. Even at 36 years old I believed I could still take those high school and college girls on the bball court. There are few physical activities that would scare me away from trying and you could bet your life that whatever it was that I was doing I was going to try and be the fastest, strongest or best at it. That is until January. For the first time in my life I CAN'T do things. My body just won't let me. Things that use to seem so easy seem almost impossible. I have never felt more unlike myself in all of my life.

So here is where the term "a new normal" comes into play. I am having to learn a new normal for me. I am having to learn limitations and new expectations. I am not sure when or if I will ever be like me again. It's an uneasy feeling when you lose a part of yourself, especially when you have no control over it. I am a huge believer in positive thinking. I believe positive things happen to positive thinkers. I have tried so hard over the past few months to stay as positive as I can. Then there are days where I just feel beat down. It's hard not understanding your own body. To not know how you will react to simple movements. I mean teaching movement is my job!!!! 

So here I am, 16 weeks since diagnoses and I am still struggling. But I am also still living, still getting stronger, still here. I am thankful for how far I have come and how much I've improved. The things I have overcome help me remember where I started.